Benscomputer.no-ip.org - On the Matter of Cake

Disclaimer: If you intend to read this page, read all of it before you make any judgements!

You may be unaware, but there is an evolutionary scale for cakes! It's not widly spoken about, but cakes progress through a scale in the same way our species did. They can however get stuck at a certain point, and some never complete the evolutionary scale.

Donuts:

Donuts often use words that they do not truly understand;

Take the following example, Some guys have uploaded a lot of Porn to YouTube, the bloody minded liberals are up in arms, parents are up in arms, in fact most everyone is upset. Yet reading the comments on that story, all you can see is 'These Hackers should.....", what exactly did they do that could be described as Hacking (Or Cracking), nothing.

They uploaded videos in the same manner that everyone else does, OK so they lied on the tags, but they didn't exactly need to acheive Server Side Database Access. The only remote way you could apply the term Hacking or Cracking to this particular instance, is the fact that they knowingly violated YouTubes policies, and so their authority to use the system could be presumed to have been withdrawn. So thats access to a computer without authorisation, but given that they used valid user credentials it would be hard to prove.

The point is, this 'crime' was neither a hacking or cracking attempt, they used perfectly valid credentials to upload perfectly valid media to a public server. OK so the content of the media might be more than a little questionable, but that != Hacking.

I saw a similar situation when everyone was lamenting about that game on Twitter being broken, someone accused the guy who found the vulnerability of hacking. OK so he misused a publicly available vulnerability to his own ends (which is closer to hacking/cracking than above) but its hardly a stereotypical crack attempt.

The 'Hacking' of code is a perfectly acceptable term, theres a big difference between a black/white/grey hat and a developer, so it's in a completely different context. Granted the two worlds can overlap, but most educated people will know which you mean based on what you say.

I know we can't expect everyone to understand the modern world, but misuse of terms really grates on me. It shows a serious lack of knowledge and understanding (I.e. you are clearly a bit of a donut). Would you feel comfortable sending out a letter using words that you had picked out of the air? Why do the same on the net, if you don't understand a word, either find out what it means, or don't use it!

People that do this are donuts because all they have inside is a sticky residue, they are considered quite low class, and once you've touched one it can take hours to get your hands clean

Belgian Buns:

Once you have know what that word says, there's no need to shout it. You can get your point across without any need for the caps lock, everyone knows that after a while CAPITAL LETTERS GET VERY VERY VERY ANNOYING!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU START WRITING CRAP THAT NO-ONE WANTS TO READ!!!!!!! There you go, one sentence shouted at you, and your back is already up. Even in the traditional Flame War there is no need to shout, you're point is no more valid just because you're too lazy to use turn Caps Lock off. If anything your point is less valid because you are clearly a complete and utter *tard.

These people are Belgian Buns because although they look BIG, there's really not much substance to them

BattenBurgs:

Thankfully, I don't see it much, but the one thing worse than shouting is RaNdOM CApItaLizAtioN, it makes it bloody hard to read, and makes you look less like a donut and more like a squashed fairy cake lying in the middle of a steaming great turd.

These people are BattenBurgs because although there is quite a mixture within them, much like a Belgian Bun theres generally not a lot of substance. They are, of course, sometimes a squashed fairy cake lying in a massive pile of excrement.

Pancakes:

If you've managed to absorb all this information, there's a further point which I cannot stress enough. Before you actually post a comment, try reading the fucking article. If whenever you post a comment you get replies saying RTFA then clearly you have not absorbed the article properly. Perhaps you posted a kneejerk reaction to something stated and then later refuted, or perhaps you read the title and grabbed your bleeding heart liberal uniform. A title doesn't give you the information that an article can, that's kinda the point!

These people are pancakes because anyone can make one. Their arguments generally fall flat because they haven't RTFA

Fruitcakes:

Once you've read the article, try considering its information for yourself. Don't post what everyone else has posted, and either way try putting a balanced opinion across. Don't write that the Government should take control of the Internet, or that the Government should take * website off the net. They can't do it you knobhead! You may wish they could, and we would all like to see the Internet free from Child Porn, but it's just not a realistic hope. Posting that kind of comment is exactly like using words you don't understand, you clearly don't understand the technologies involved. The most the Government could do would be to try and filter access to known sites, but even this can be circumvented. Let the Govt focus on trying to catch the criminals rather than trying to work out if there's a way to remove the site.

Every now and then a fruitcake will have a cherry in it, and make a good comment, but the vast majority consists of raisins.

These people are fruitcakes because although they have managed to absorb a lot, they are quite thick. They also all seem to be exactly the same, and the odd cherry is heavily offset by the vast number of raisins

Carrot Cake:

Carrot Cakes are a strange variation, although they may have completed the previous scales at some point, it's also possible that they were born a Carrot Cake.

Whilst Carrot Cakes may not know everything, if they are unsure about something, they will take the time to research it before posting a comment. The more experienced carrot cakes also know to verify their source of information by cross referencing.

As a Carrot Cake makes his way in the world, his knowledge expands, and so more space is needed. After a certain point, another tier develops to represent his higher level of understanding. Any 3 tier carrot cake should be able to explain the OSI 7 Layer Model to you. Beyond this point his comments are very rarely based on opinion alone.

However, Carrot Cake can be quite dry, which leads to a higher propensity for spontaneous combustion. This is evidenced by frequent participation in Flame Wars, and in very rare cases can lead to complete destruction.

All Cakes are Fattening

As wonderful as this world wide web of porn information is, I still kinda miss the days of BBs, there was a different class of net user. Nowadays, the comment section is kinda like the cheap brothel of the web, it attracts the lowest class of customer!

In fact there definitely seems to be a correlation between ridiculous comments and the number of people on the net, as both the effectiveness of Spam filters and the number of commentors goes up, there seems to be a downward decline in the quality and intelligence of comments. Thats right, quite frankly I'd rather read alphanumeric links to cheap prescription meds than some of the drivel that people put out!

Disclaimer 2: Before anyone decides to fill my mailbox with crap, this was written tongue in cheek. These are all things that irritate me, but I do recognise the fact that although your language makes you sound like a donut, you could in fact be a 7 tier carrot cake!

If you did not see the funny side of this article, there are a number of possible causes

You realised that you are in fact a donut
You realised that you are anything but a Carrot Cake
Your sense of humour is different to mine
You couldn't understand the article

Whatever the cause, if such a simple article has caused you offence, then there is a remedy you can take. Find the lead that connects your computer to the Phone Socket (The Interweb cable), and cut it with a pair of scissors. You're now safe from the big bad inty-net.